The CLEO Comedy

There are many comical aspects to CLEO antics, especially stooge activity which has provided some memorable moments. The Boomerangs that CLEOs use to hand themselves "evidence" are the most common. A guy sits down or crosses your path, and the cops pick him up and retrieve the "evidence" the cops gave him before they sent him by, sort of like walking Abandoned Shopping Bags. According to sophisticated security professionals like the Nose-Picking Half-Wit that works for Allied-Barton, CLEO stooges have the right to perform Stupid CLEO Tricks any time they want. So they do. A lot. (Several times while I was writing this essay, in fact).

But sophisticated stoogery is sometimes reliant on other skills like the pathetic CLEO Clown who recently posed with two beer cans, trying to look cool, recite his lines and pose at the same time, managing to make himself and his benefactors look stupid in the process. I've made several references to the King of the Stooges in these essays who earned the title by performing all of the CLEO stooge functions, not only with the most expertise, but he also remains the most prolific of the CLEO stooges.

Now I say this without malice, because the King of the Stooges, Daniel H. Mack of Monrovia, Ca., the brother of yet another ex-Marine Dave Mack, knows that I refer to him as the King of the Stooges. Being a CLEO stooge is not always a big secret like the law enforcement community would like to portray it. Stooge activity, staged and directed for their benefit and everyone knows it, which is the point to be made here. I only mention Mack because he was by far the best of the CLEO script-readers, with acting skills that surpassed anything I've seen before or since. He has staged all sorts of photo-ops, for instance portraying a tobacco cigarette as a joint, then holding his breath after inhaling, which I wouldn't attempt without a barf-bag nearby. On another occasion he actually pulled down his pants and bent over for a Super-Covert CLEO surveillance photo-op, and in so doing earned the title King of the Stooges. (At the time I didn't realize this was part of the "homosexual prostitute" storyline associated with "Book-em Dan-O" Lasher's report. I figured it out later, but to dethrone the King of the Stooges will require topping that effort, something I don't look forward to witnessing).

There are other comical aspects of CLEO stoogery and stoogedom as well. For instance, the cops get paid to drive around engaging in Super-Cover surveillance activities, and the stooges get various gratuities and considerations from the cops, but what about the costumes? Who pays for the peripheral costs of these clownish antics anyway? 

Mayor: "Chief, what is this ledger entry here? 500 black baseball caps; 200 black shirts; 200 cammy packs and a substantial bill for text messages. What is this all about?"


Chief: "Uh, Mayor, it's all part of a Special Investigation we're involved with. It's super-secret stuff. Trust me on this one, OK?" 

I'm also guessing that any allegations of illegal activity would include contraband and money, so I've often wondered what the cops are retrieving from the Boomerangs. But someone has to come up with something to call "evidence" right? Where's the loot and the "stuff" after you've staged all the photo-ops, printed up some bogus phone records, hijacked or created an e-mail account and so on? And if it exists, where does it come from?

And of course, the component that is the most conspicuous by its absence, is the motive. If there was motive, profit, contraband, all the things that I thought were required for CLEO storylines, how come I wasn't invited to the party? All the stooges look like they're enjoying themselves, so why can't I trade places with them? I'd much rather be a CLEO stooge with money than be the Accused without any. How come CLEO stooges have all the fun?

I've considered this at length, especially when CLEO script-readers go into lengthy recitals about illegal activity. (Talk is cheap. Where's the loot?) So once again, CLEOs must be reliant on a storyline that portrays your humble writer as an idiot who engages in illegal activity for the benefit of CLEOs, but not himself. In other words, I would do something illegal for the benefit and convenience of Crooked Law Enforcement Officials, but make sure that there was nothing in it for me. Huh?

But for years it has been obvious that Proximity Posers are the vehicles for CLEO storylines. They cross my path or wave or say something which, according to CLEO Logic, means that, theoretically at least, anyone who does those things would be engaged in some sort of illegal activity. Obviously, the cops know these people are stooges because they recruited them and direct them and provide them with props and costumes. I know they're CLEO stooges because like the King of the Stooges and thousands of others since, these performances are the best indicators of CLEO storylines which all involve illegal activity. (Duh). And the stooges obviously know they're stooges, or they wouldn't make fools of themselves by engaging in this clownish sort of behavior. So who does that leave? Who is out there that doesn't know that all of this crap is an act? The judiciary? I still find that difficult to believe, but anything is possible in the Alternate Universe.

It also provides us with perhaps the most Magnificent of the Ironies described in the entire CLEO Clown Act. If one is to assume that all of these people that cross my path are engaged in some sort of illegal activity, and the cops are directing them, and the PMAPS are aware of it, which they most certainly are, then that would mean that your humble writer is the only guy in the entire CLEO Circus that isn't doing anything illegal. It also means that since I can't prevent CLEO stooge attacks, that CLEOs only have to establish my identity and location, they can run these morons at me all day long. But it also means, theoretically at least, that all of these people must be doing something illegal. And if that is true, how is it that all of them are beneficiaries of CLEO gratuities? They say, "Yeah, I'm guilty, but he told me to do it!" which is what I've wondered about Boomerangs on many occasions. Because when the cops retrieve the Boomerangs I've never had anything in the way of evidence to support the association they were trying to suggest when they staged it, so I can only watch in amusement.

But while we're pondering the various CLEO mysteries there's still plenty of entertainment while the stooges, cops, Super-Covert surveillance professionals, County Hags and CLEO stooges lie, steal, pose, stage, fabricate, falsify, and provide subject matter for these essays, while suborning and committing perjury in their valiant effort to save America and its Heroes from critical remarks found here. And unfortunately for your humble writer, providing themselves with illegal access to this and other accounts and hacking the descriptions and accounts to pieces along the way.  

© humble journalist