Well, ladies and geraniums, the time has come to divulge the "Secret Plan" that will explain all of the suspicious behavior we've been witnessing. Everyone get out your Secret Code Ring, put on your Mr. Blackwell outfit, pose in front of surveillance camera and be sure to look suspicious as possible while you're calling the Secret Phone Number. Here's how it's going to work.
I've been involved with Secret Negotiations with the Defense Minister of Uzbekistan and the Chinese Government as well as several street gangs in Los Angeles. Right now we have a team of Mr. Blackwells preparing to jack the Lunar Landing Module at the Smithsonian Institute. The Chinese have assured me that they will provide a rocket capable of launching the module as far as the orbit of the moon. Unfortunately, they are sick of looking at dollars, in fact they're ready to start burning them to conserve fuel oil, so all the proceeds from the suspicious-looking activities have to be converted to gold bars and shipped to a Secret Destination known only to myself and General Chang who is in charge of shipments to North Korea and me.
The Uzbeki Defense Minister has agreed to provide several of those Russian nuclear suitcase bombs we all heard about after the collapse of the Soviet Union. (Turns out he actually went to school with "Book-em Dan-O" Lasher so he's not that smart and has agreed to accept American currency.) Once the ordnance and the rocket are acquired, the LEM will be mounted on the Chinese rocket at another Secret Destination that can only be deciphered by using a map tattooed onto Dan Mack's ass. (That's why he yanked his pants down two years ago. He had to show me where there was some free space for the tattoo.)
Once the LEM and the rocket are prepared to launch, the suitcase bombs will accompany a specially-trained chimpanzee that outscored "Fairlane" Ford on an IQ test. (Unfortunately for the chimp this will be necessarily be a one-way mission.) At that point, the chimp will set the nuclear devices to destroy the moon, or at least change its course and it's gravitational pull. This will cause a sequence of events that will ultimately result in the tidal action of the earth being dramatically changed such that most of West Los Angeles will disappear under water. According to my calculations, the new beachfront will extend between South Central and the Barrios in East L.A.
This is the payoff you've all been working toward, however you might be asking yourself, "But where are the profits for me, humble journalist?" Well, the Secret Plan also takes into account that you can now buy real estate at the projected beachfront for dirt-cheap, and with luck most of the luxury furniture and vehicles swept in from Bel Air and Beverly Hills will be sitting in your front yard when you move in.
There you have it. Tens of thousands of suspicious-looking poses and proximity calls were not for naught. But don't thank me. I actually got the idea from Ronald Reagan and Austin Powers. (Actually Dr. Evil, but it's the same guy, right? Either way, he's got better writers than the cops.)
And if law enforcement wants to make a joke out of their profession, I'm just the guy to help them do it.
© humble journalist
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